I spent this weekend in a hotel with friends. Some I know and see often and some I only see at events like these or at outings. It was a fun yet short weekend that went by all to quickly. I have to say though that it was a little bit overwhelming for me while a bit depressing at the same time. Before I go further, you have to understand that there are things I don’t tell to anyone. Not family, friends… Well, I do tell friends that I am close with but there has to be a trusting bond between us and I have a hard time trusting people. But I’m also the type of person to hide things that are bothering me. I don’t always do a good job no matter how hard I try but there’s good reasons for that and one being is that because sometimes I can express myself in writing then I can verbally. There are other reasons but let’s just go with this one for now. Besides, this blog is quite personal and for those who read it and really know me will hopefully understand.
Anyway, on the weekend, there seemed to be more families then singles, well to me it seemed that way and the singles that were there came special from out of down which makes me wonder if they came to find their other half. Looking all around me everyone seemed to be happy to be there and I was to but I think I was more depressed then happy at times.
You might be asking yourself why? Well, and this is sad but there are times where I feel sorry for myself. And if your thinking I shouldn’t be you are probably right but I can’t help but wonder why, at my age, I’m still not married. I’m good looking (so I’m told), I treat women with respect, I’m a caring and fun person, I have a good heart. So what the hell am I doing wrong? Why would I go away to these things and be depressed and feel sorry for myself?
Because I see how people come together as a family and have a good time. How the guys have wives they can spend quality time with and enjoy each other’s company and be happy for their kids. Sure sometimes having kids limits your ability as to what you can do, but it’s a pretty beautiful thing.
Yeah, seeing that is one thing that depresses me because it’s something I want. Something I desire. Something I feel I need at this point in my life. I don’t necessarily mean a wife but being in a relationship with someone would be just as good. In fact, I have my eye on one particular person but sadly, the feelings not mutual. I may not like that but I have to respect it and just hope and pray that one day it’ll be something more. Which brings me to this: Why is it that girls just see me as a friend? Is it a vibe I give off? Do I smell? Do you know how much that bothers me when I’m told that? Someone just posted on Facebook how brave I am and she’s right I am… Well, it’s what I show outside. But no one REALLY knows how I feel on the inside. No one can ever know. How could they?
It’s funny though how you go on these things to get away from everything and just enjoy yourself but I’m the opposite of that. Sometimes going away makes me think and reflect. And while I know I’m boring you with this, I must say it because.. Because.. Well, I don’t know why but it’s not something I share lightly.
This isn’t to say I didn’t enjoy the weekend.. I did just in a different way. My own way actually. And sometimes, sometimes you see something that just triggers a switch in you that you don’t know how to turn off no matter how hard you try and when that happens, you do or say things beyond your control. Emotions are great but not when they get out of hand.And while I’m a sensitive person, I can get VERY emotional sometimes in a way where I can’t stand it and I don’t like myself when that happens.
But enough about feeling sorry for myself. The point of this post was to reflect on the weekend which I think I did but maybe I might have said to much or gone off on a tangent (which I tend to do sometimes). But after all is said and done, I can’t go back to change what already happened. As much as I would like to I just can’t all I can do is look at the present and to the future.
I’m not sure posting this out to the public is a good idea because if I do, do my friends see me in a different light? Do I become something of a pariah? A laughing stock? What exactly will happen? How do you tell friends that sometimes you feel like crying. That sometimes when your with them your crying on the inside or you lie awake at night because of something that happened or was sad? Yes I’m admitting things that’s probably better left unsaid but they say writing is a form of therapy and well, maybe writing this will change things for the better. Maybe not I don’t know but there comes a point in your life where you just have to realize that your destined to be alone and well… I really, honestly truly don’t know. I have no words to say anything.
Could be I am meant to suffer. Could be I met my other half and didn’t know it. Could be many reasons. I may never know why and I’m okay with that I just have to deal with it and know that maybe she’s out there for me. But until that happens, I’ll just live in a world of “what ifs” and hope that one day I can inspire those around me.