NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ENTRY WAS WRITTEN A LITTLE OVER 3 YEARS AGO. I HAD FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT IT UNTIL I GOT AN EMAIL ABOUT IT BEING PURGED FROM AN INACTIVE ACCOUNT. I THOUGHT I’D SHARE IT HERE FOR SEVERAL REASONS. HOPE YOU ENJOY.
What is love? Is love something we want or need? Is it something we take for granted? More importantly, is it something we really need? Haddaway asks the same question but continues on by saying, “Baby Don’t Hurt Me. Don’t Hurt Me No More.” There could be some truth to that however I have yet to figure out if the song is a breakup song (which would seem unlikely because who would make a break up song that you could dance to? So what exactly does the song mean? To what is it referencing? Who knows? But love, like hate, is a VERY strong word that should not be used lightly.
So, why do I raise these questions? Why do I even choose to write about this? For the simple reason that many people get hurt by being in love and/or trying to be there for someone they deeply care about. Sadly, it does not always work out for the best or the way we would like it to turn out but at least we know we tried and that’s what counts…. Usually.
So you are probably wondering if I’m qualified to write something on love and to that I say most probably not but I assure you that half of us are not. If that’s the case, then why would I write this? I don’t really know for sure. Maybe cause I need to get it off my chest. Maybe it’s therapeutic. Maybe my conscience is feeling guilty. Who knows? What I do know is that love means different things to different people and perhaps for me, it means nothing at all. Sounds crazy? Sure. But you be the judge.
I have known two girls who are very special to me for a few years now. I have dated both but not together. These two girls are childhood friends and have been best friends for 15 years and each considers the other like a sister. When I dated one, I was still good friends with the other. For one reason or another, and I’m still not sure why, when it didn’t work out with one, I would go to the other which wasn’t so bad… At first. But we lost touch after awhile and that was that… Or so I thought.
However, around nine months ago, as I was preparing to go to Israel, I received a call from a voice that sounded familiar and I knew instantly who it was. For story sake let’s call her Brenda (not her real name) and she told me what happened to her and wanted to meet for dinner at her place. Well, who am I to argue with a nice home cooked meal? Long story short, we were a couple again and I was happy. But without wanting to hurt her, I held off telling her I was leaving for awhile until I could figure out how to tell her and when I finally did, she was okay with it because at the time, we both knew I’d be back in six months time and I also knew she would be there around December.
About a month later, we again lost touch and this time I didn’t know why but several months later, I met the other girl who we will call Lana (also not her name) and she was in NY and she was also concerned because Brenda disappeared without a trace and no one knew where she was. But Lana and I were talking and she was moving to Israel so we decided to try again and we did
Since I don’t want this to be so long, let’s just say Brenda tracked me down recently when she was in fact living out in Tel Aviv with Lana and everything was honkey dorie. Lana had her man and Brenda had hers until one day something personal happened that caused Lana to pour out her feelings for me.
So is there a point to all of this? Yes. I got lucky and greedy. How? Well, if you are smart, never date two women at the same time especially ones who are BFF’S. It creates a complicated situation that will do more harm then good and currently, I am learning this the hard way because now they are no longer speaking to one another (hopefully that will change) and my relationship with Brenda is no longer what it used to be. I mean, we are still together and everything but I fear we are slowly drifting away.
Is this my fault? Yes and no. Do I regret it? Yes? Do I wish I could go back and change things? Most definitely. But the damage is done and I fear it can only get worse. What’s love got to do with it after all this? Well, simply put, the two people I love and care about the most were extremely hurt by what happened and I let them down immensely. People warned me it was going to get ugly and I chose not to listen and had I done that, they’d still be friends and thinks would be the way they should. I cry myself to sleep each and every night cursing at myself for what I did and for what happened and for being stupid for maybe losing the best thing that ever happened to me with Brenda.
So love what is it really? I don’t think I could really answer that. I don’t think I’m qualified to. I’m not sure I know how to love anymore. How can I if I keep hurting the ones I love? I mean sure I still have Brenda but it’s not the same anymore and may never be again but I cherish everything we have together and I always will. What was right in front of me I was to blind to see and ultimately, I paid a price for it. A price that I will have to live with and regret for the rest of my life and for me, that hurts the most.