Goodbye

 It’s always hard to say goodbye. Sometimes the best way of saying goodbye is to not say it at all. Case in point: My sister and her family decided that they wanted to make the move to Israel something she’s wanted to do for years but I never thought she’d actually do. Now, years later, with 3 kids (1 newborn), a dog, cat and a husband, she’s currently (at time of this writing) flying to her new home.  I may not know with certainty what’s going through her mind but I can relate to a certain extent.

A few years ago, I was in Israel. Lived there for almost 2 years. It wasn’t my first time there though. The first time I went it was a 10 day journey. There’s a big difference between going for 10 days and 2 years. It’s kinda surreal actually not to mention scary.  Here I was 5,000 miles away from home. Alone and unsure what to do. Sure I’ve gone away before but this was different not to mention that it was a whole different world.  At the time, I spoke little to no Hebrew so I wondered how I was going to communicate? I also wasn’t used to the economy and how it works which I guess is important if I’m to be living there. They try to take advantage of tourists when it comes to this and honestly, I’d look silly if every time I had to figure out what the amount is in American currency.  

    So going to Israel for that year and a half wasn’t really my idea. In fact, it caught me off guard when I was told I was going. I have nothing against going but it was something I wasn’t really prepared for. I mean how does one prepare? So many questions suddenly arose. What if I couldn’t handle it? What if I got homesick? So many “what ifs” arose that I possibly couldn’t answer them all.

   My sister made the choice long before she was married. It was something that I know she really wanted but once she started a family, it became harder and harder for her dream to become a reality. But only a few months ago her and her husband officially made the decision that would seal their fate. In a way it’s good that they did it now instead of later while the kids are still young. Ironically though, my sister, only a few days ago, realized that it had started to sink in and it seemed like she had doubts. But I guess that is expected.

     Every so often, I’m asked if I want to move to Israel on a permanent basis. The answer I give is: “If the right girl comes along and wants to” but the truth is I don’t know if I ever can. It scares the hell out of me. I have family that lives there but you essentially take you’re entire life and move it and start a new (which is what marriage is).  Honestly though I think that my living there for over a year taught me a few things. One thing was that it’s harder there then it is here in America.  The way of life is harder there then here. I’ve thought about this time and time again and I’m not so sure it’s for me. It’s not for everyone. In fact, I commend anyone that DOES do it as it’s not an easy decision to make and that includes my sister. I’m not sure but I think I have more respect for her now then I ever did. Should I be jealous?

      Yesterday, I had a phone conversation with my mom who was very emotional about the whole thing which I guess is normal. She knew this day was coming and we all knew that she would have a tough time dealing with it and she is and probably will be for quite some time.She was upset at me that I wasn’t showing any emotion about it. Women get more emotional about these things then men I guess but I’m not a parent so maybe I can’t feel it the same way she does, Maybe I’m dealing with it in my own way. ironically, as I write this I do feel somewhat emotional.   In truth, my sister and I never really had the best relationship and we hardly ever spoke  but now… I’m sad. I think I will miss her,

  I think I am more sad that I’ll never see my nieces and nephews grow up especially the newborn who will never know me (maybe). I wonder now if they will forget me. Will I ever see them again? What of the newborn? She will essentially be growing up there not knowing about us back home.. I’ll never see her grow up. I’ll never get the pleasure of being an Uncle to her. This makes me sad. It makes me want to cry. But I know I have to be strong. Being sad is one thing but crying over this won’t really help bring them back. 

    They did what they felt they had to do and in their minds it’s the right time for them to start a new chapter in their lives. The question I ask is this: Are they making a big mistake? Will they end up regretting it? Most important: Will the kids be happy? Like I said, better to do it when they are young because it might be even harder the longer they wait. In my heart I know they had to do this but deep down I worry and I wonder if I should. I also feel like a part of me died.

 One last thing: There’s a part of me that wonders if they are running away from something or someone.. For some reason, it bothers me that… I don’t know I get the feeling that they are abandoning us. Like we’re no good for them anymore, I know it’s silly to think that but I dunno. I think I blame myself.. I know I shouldn’t but there’s something bothering me about this whole thing and I can’t figure out what it is. Sure there’s Skype and Facebook and other forms of communication but it’s not the same. Is it better then nothing? Yes.

  All I can do now is hope they are safe and say that they are “home” and hope that one day we will all be reunited in some form or another. Now I can only pray to G-D to watch over them  and say that I miss and love them.

 

 

    

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2 thoughts on “Goodbye

  1. I have the opposite problem I want to move to Israel but Shaya won’t do it I feel that it’s a personal decsion for each who does it

  2. Well, if that’s something you truly want then perhaps you need to do a lot of thinking before you get married. It might cause friction down the line.

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