A Lesson Learned

 One day about a month ago, I was having a really bad day where things were going from bad to worse. At the same time I was talking to a friend on Facebook who was also having issues that day and well I basically took it out on her when all I was trying to do was help. A few days later, another friend blocked me because he didn’t agree with something I liked. A few days after that, I went on a “warpath” regarding events for singles that were taking place weeks later (see my previous posts). It was then that I received a text message from another friend telling me that he can no longer be my friend because and I quote” You are a mean bitter person who does nothing but hurt others and I can’t associate with people like that in my life right now so lose my number.”   I never did but I guess I might have had it coming.

Over the weekend, the unexpected happened and it happened quickly within a 24 hour period. I was at an event when the person above called me out of the blue. We spoke for a half hour. The friend that blocked me added me as a friend again and in fact, I saw him yesterday as if nothing happened and we were ourselves again. Then, while at work, I got a text from the very person I was having a bad day with that caused me to take it all out on her. She called me and we spoke for an hour. Suffice it to say, everything seems to be back to normal. But man was I caught off guard by the unfolding of this.

Looking back on it now I had it coming and honestly, I probably deserved it. I admit my actions may have been a bit out of control that caused people to turn away and that’s fine because honestly I might have done the same thing in that situation but I am glad that it’s all water on the bridge and that things are back to normal because in all honesty, they are all really good friends.

The weird thing about this is that I’m nothing but nice to these people and in fact, they know this to be true. She (let’s call her Jenny) also had time to reflect and admitted to me that she missed me and that it was really stupid(silly) to not be friends with me as I’m a gentleman and nothing but kind and caring to her.

I guess G-D’s  been good to me. Is it the “pay it forward” ideal? Is it something else? Doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that I’ve reflected on things in this whole month and realized that if people can forgive and forget then maybe I can do.  Why? Because in the end, people see you for who you are and it’s the actions that speak louder then words. People have a reputation and that goes a long way. I’m trying hard not to tarnish mine and if people are seeing me in a bad light for my actions then it’s not worth trying to be someone I’m not. It’s not who I am nor who I want to be and sadly, it took 3 friends to make me realize this but I thank them because having them “disappear” for awhile was good therapy for me because sometimes it takes people who care about you and vice versa to make you see what’s important.

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The Truth? You Can’t Handle The Truth.

The truth can sometimes hurt. It can also reveal a person’s true colors. Sometimes not on purpose but it’s something that sometimes needs to be done. It’s also something I’ve been trying to do with mixed results. Unfortunately, it’s probably doing more harm then good… For me anyway and here’s why.  In my last few posts I wrote about lawsuits, dishonesty and social events. (Yeah makes for great soap opera episodes).  Now I want to elaborate and make it an “All in One” extravaganza.

I did some thinking and it occurred to me that most people refuse to hear the truth even if they know that you are right. I don’t know why but this is what I have realized. Sure there can be reasons as to why but isn’t telling the truth the right thing to do? There are certain instances where covering up the truth is okay and in fact even acceptable but never ever use it as a weapon. The saying: “The truth shall set you free” may work but it depends on how you use it and when.

We have many singles events that have been happening in the last few weeks. Some even competing with each other on the same weekends. There are very honest promoters and organizers out there that will be straight up about the event while others will use deceptive means to get people to come.  Sadly, those deceptive tactics are the ones that work. I don’t understand why people feel the need to lie about a weekend to entice people to come. It turns people off.  I have been to a few of these. Some good. Some not.

About a year ago, I was “coerced” into going to one. with promises and reassurances made. As I expected, nothing promised was given. Just the opposite. Not surprised. Not only was I a fool but out of place as well. Keep in mind that this was a week after Sandy so the crowd turnout was poor.  Lucky for me, someone I knew was there so I did what I felt was the right thing to do which was to confront the person in charge and let them know how I felt.

Fast forward to the aftermath: While I did mail the check, they claimed they never got it which I am very happy about. He/She insisted I write another one. Of course I wanted to know why I should pay for a service I never got.. Oh I did get threatened with small claims court (which was dropped because it couldn’t be proven that I was there). This went on for months and months when I found out that someone else that I knew had the same stunt pulled as well. And this isn’t the first time nor was it the last because you see every time there’s a singles weekend happening, this same person goes to nasty lengths to get people to come which I don’t understand because eventually people who show up will see for themselves and this is where the problem lies.

I try to be a good person and friend and somehow it seems to bite me in the ass. I know many people. I know people who run events. The honest ones are successful and will have big turnouts. The other ones won’t but will claim they are “sold out” even though it may not be true. The honest ones will limit the age group and be serious about it while the other will say one thing and mean something else . This what turns people off  from ever going to future events (Will cover in a future post). People spend a lot of money to go away to these things and end up getting burned because of  promoters who are just in it for the money and don’t care about the singles. (Sadly, there are a lot of these)

Because I’ve been one of them, I made it my mission to stand up to these “bullies” to protect my friends and other singles. Why? For the simple reason that I, and many others, are fed up with what goes on. Back in the day, promoters were honest and were willing to answer any concerns you might have. Here’s something you should know though: It seems that by trying to do the right thing you get punished for it and this is where the title of this post comes in.

As I said earlier, the truth hurts which is why no one wants to hear it. Sure you can deny all you want about what someone is saying and that’s fine but don’t make the person trying to help others have to suffer. The other factor is that you will have supporters and detractors. You will have people pressuring you to take posts down and others who will thank you in private. Then you have others who will use scare tactics to bully you and then you have others who will call you names. Say that your a liar and will make it a mission to let others know you are spreading lies to “destroy” them.

The thing is, people who run events have a reputation and image to maintain and when you cross that line that should never be crossed, that image begins to get questioned. In fact, when people do see for themselves that you (meaning the person trying to do the right thing) were in fact telling the truth all along they end up thanking you and regret not listening to you.

But then again, when your reputation isn’t good to begin with and there is history among others you need to ask yourself the following: Why am I going to this one when their are better ones out there? Why are these people still making events? Why is this place still open? Why is a crusader being punished for being open and honest? One person can make a difference. It can take months, years to do so but eventually when enough people go to these events and see that you were honest they will respect you for your honesty.

As I say on my Facebook, “My wall my posts. Don’t like it block me”. They do and I’m okay with that because this is is also a way to find out who your real friends really are. Those are the ones who stand by you at all times no matter what. If they feel that by these posts you are hurting them then so be it. I am not sorry for doing what I am doing. I’m proud of it. I won’t be bullied nor will I cave to the pressure. People don’t want the truth because they know you are right but for whatever reason won’t admit it. No, wait, I take that back. There could be many reasons and I won’t get into them instead, I will give you a clip from one of my favorite scenes from the movie A Few Good Men, which  sums it up best why people don’t want to hear the truth.


 

 

 

21 Dating Truths We Need To Realize

 1. 95% of the time, they didn’t lose their phone. They didn’t drop in the toilet or the bathtub. It wasn’t shut off. They just didn’t want to text you. If not, why aren’t they Facebooking or tweeting you right now?

2. If you’re looking at someone’s online dating profile and there are multiple people in their photo and you say, “Who is that guy? He’s hot!”, the person will never be that guy. He will always be the person standing next to that guy.

3. No one’s ever “too busy” to hang out with you. Lots of busy people still date. Taylor Swift makes time for a new boyfriend every other day.

4. Everyone is allowed to make the first move. We put so much emphasis on seeming detached and unavailable until the last possible moment, worried we might scare them off by actually seeming interested. What if, heaven forbid, we showed them how much we like them? It’s a revolutionary thought, I know.

5. If they’re talking about their ex all the time, they are not over their ex. Did they just break up with someone? Then they are most likely not ready to date, even if they say they are. If they are actually ready, they are a serial monogamist. Don’t go to there.

6. You don’t have to rush into anything. It’s not the end of the world if he doesn’t call you his girlfriend right away. Neither of you are stricken with the bubonic plague. There’s no bomb in your chest that will go off if he doesn’t say, “I love you” in X amount of months. Slow and steady is just fine.

7. If the person you’re dating is dating you as a project or dating you to change you, they are not interested in you. They’re interested in an idea of you. For instance, an article from a couple years ago advised men on how to “subtly” tell their girlfriend she’s getting fat. If your partner subtly tells you to lose weight, subtly tell them they are single.

8. How quickly they text you back says nothing about how they feel about you, unless it’s legitimately a long time. If it takes a week, that’s a problem. But there’s no difference between 26 and 27 minutes. One less minute doesn’t mean true love.

9. Every guy isn’t going to be “the one” — and maybe no guy will. We need to stop asking every person we date to fulfill this singular role. Why not look for “the one who is good right now?” If that person ends up being “the one who sticks around,” great.

10. Your parents are not responsible for your dating life. We’re all fucked up, but we need to stop letting that be an excuse. If you don’t want to get married, don’t get married for your own reasons — not because of other peoples’. Your parents’ marriage says nothing about how yours will turn out.

11. Sex with another person always means something — whether you are dating casually, non-exclusively or are married. You are inside someone. How is that not a big deal? Even if the two of you are open, sex is an inherently meaningful act. Treating it like its nothing is just an indication of how you’re treating your partner — like it’s nothing. No matter your status, be honest and respectful of the other person’s feelings.

12. Their looks don’t correlate with anything else. Hot guys can be jerks, who clueless dorks who live in a bubble of their good looks. However, they can be well-adjusted people, especially if they don’t know they are hot. This, my friends, is what we call a unicorn. Hold onto that horn and never let go.

13. Did they break up with you because they “don’t want to date?” They just don’t want to date you.

14. Do all of your friends hate them? Does your mom hate them? Do people who don’t even know you hate them? Behold the red flag.

15. You’re not going to trick someone into liking you or wear them down. Pining for someone or helplessly waiting around for your mate to get interested in you never got anyone the girl. If you’ve been put in the friendzone, you need to recognize that and move on. It sucks, but the sooner you deal with the suckage, the sooner you can start getting jiggy with someone else. Even DJ Jazzy Jeff found a life after Will Smith.

16. Being nice doesn’t get you anything. There’s this weird idea that if we just put our head down and be “the good guy,” we get rewarded with Shooky-Shooky Time. However, you’re never entitled to anything. The only thing the object of your affection owes you is honesty. If you think that acting a certain way means they have to have sex with you, you’re honestly an asshole.

17. The other sex isn’t as complicated as you think. Almost all problems in this area stem from our lack of communication, our inability to just be honest or let the other person know when we feel like we’re not on the same page. People are pretty simple. You’d find out if you just asked.

18. Potential mates don’t care about your Gucci bag. Designer brands might give you personal confidence, but if we’re talking guys, trust me: they don’t care. They just want you to feel sexy and beautiful, whatever you are wearing. I personally have a thing for girls in boy shorts. I can’t help it. It’s sexy.

19. They won’t fix what your ex did to you. Don’t ask them to. You will bring your emotional baggage into the relationship, but they should not be the one unpacking all of it.

20. Also, your exes weren’t evil, and everything wasn’t their fault. They were good people (for the most part) who just weren’t right for you, just like you weren’t right for them. Taking responsibility for your share of the past will help you take responsibility for the future.

21. You don’t control your dating life. The saying goes that all women have the love life they want. I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit. I know a lot of people who are fucking miserable, and they didn’t ask for that. They just don’t know how to ask for more. We’re lost, and we don’t know what to do with ourselves. Do we just become a spinster? Do we go the mail-order bride route and just sell ourselves into a life of quiet matrimonial slavery?

No, you just get comfortable with the fact that you can’t control everything. You don’t have a crystal ball that tells you if he’s the one — or even if he’ll call you tomorrow. (You can always call him!) The only thing you can do find out for yourself, trusting in your ability to believe this one will be different. That’s the beauty and terror of dating: there’s no map and few certainties. You have to learn to go your own way. Embrace the journey

The Singles Crises

About a week ago, there was a conversation on Facebook about singles events and how effective they really are. It really depends on who you ask as you will get many different answers. Over the years, I have been on many. Some good. Some bad and some in between. While I won’t go into many details, I will explain how I feel about these things

Going in With Expectations

One problem facing this issue is that people go into these things with expectations and when they aren’t met they deem it a failure and what many don’t realize is that you can’t go into an event like this with any expectations. You need to go with the flow and see what happens. Why go in with expectations anyway? Why not just go and have a nice time, meet new people and have a nice “vacation”? 

WHO’S IN CHARGE?

    Very important to know for a few reasons:

1) Do they have any experience?

2) What is their reputation like?

3) Do they care about their singles?

Let’s address these three:

First, do they have any experience running weekends, events or anything else? In my opinion, there’s having experience and having “experience”. If you go to an event or a weekend of any type, you can sometimes tell if the person/s running it knows what they are doing or not. Presentation is the main factor.

Next you wanna know what their reputation is like? VERY IMPORTANT. Why would I, or anyone else for that matter, want to go to an event that is run by someone who can’t be trusted, dishonest, unethical or even take responsibility for their actions? I have actually seen this happen and to this day, I don’t understand why people continue going on this person’s events when they have no responsibility whatsoever not to mention so unorganized?

Do they care about the people that are on their events? I hope so because when you are paying a lot of money to go on these things you want to know that it is worth it. If I’m told that  “Mickey Mouse” was going to show and I get “Bugs Bunny” instead, I wouldn’t be happy. Now there are organizers who will say that it’s better then nothing but see that’s a problem. If you advertise it and you substitute for something else, that’s misleading. I came knowing that A was going to be there but now B is there instead and I have no interest in seeing B.

But the other thing is this: Is the organizer making sure that I am having a good time? If you are shy or have problems meeting new people, will they help you? Will they be around when needed? 

Sadly, there are some organizers that are in it just for the money. So much so that they will make events and getaways that are overpriced without thinking about whether or not a person can afford it. The idea is to start low and work your way up. Why would someone go to an event for $450 and not so much to offer  when they can go to a similar one for $199 and get better things out of it?

My main question is this though: Why are there people in various communities who don’t endorse these or if they do, do so privately? What are they against? Matchmakers aren’t always the answer because not everyone is comfortable using them and not all of them are trustworthy or reliable. In my opinion, it is better to go away with your peers for 4 days and get to know each other (which, believe it or not, you can do) then go back and forth. These Rabbis don’t understand that the times have changed. That there’s a new generation of singles doing things their way. Instead of understanding the issue and wanting to talk about it, the Rabbis blame the internet… Why though? Don;t they see that dating sites are useful? That many engagements/marriages came from them?

What we should do is come together as a whole and openly discuss the issue and try to figure out how to resolve it. What can we do to fix it? Why are people scared or afraid to talk about it? Why are people close minded about it? People should look at the big picture?

These events work. I’ve seen. Others have as well. They don’t always do but I’m convinced that it’s based on the individual. Sometimes the crowd plays a role in it but if you go in with expectations you are more then likely to go away with a negative feeling.

In the end, if we we could have a dialogue with our Rabbis and if we can gather focus groups on the issues and how to fix them, then maybe there wouldn’t be such a crises.  Granted it will never be 100% resolved but we have to start somewhere.

   

Love.. What is it really?

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ENTRY WAS WRITTEN A LITTLE OVER 3 YEARS AGO. I HAD FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT IT UNTIL I GOT AN EMAIL ABOUT IT BEING PURGED FROM AN INACTIVE ACCOUNT. I THOUGHT I’D SHARE IT HERE FOR SEVERAL REASONS. HOPE YOU ENJOY.

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What is love? Is love something we want or need? Is it something we take for granted? More importantly, is it something we really need?  Haddaway asks the same question but continues on by saying, “Baby Don’t Hurt Me. Don’t Hurt Me No More.” There could be some truth to that however I have yet to figure out if the song is a breakup song (which would seem unlikely because who would make a break up song that you could dance to? So what exactly does the song mean? To what is it referencing? Who knows? But love, like hate, is a VERY strong word that should not be used lightly.

    So, why do I raise these questions? Why do I even choose to write about this? For the simple reason  that many people get hurt by being in love and/or trying to be there for someone they deeply care about. Sadly, it does not always work out for the best or the way we would like it to turn out but at least we know we tried and that’s what counts…. Usually.

    So you are probably wondering if I’m qualified to write something on love and to that I say most probably not but I assure you that half of us are not. If that’s the case, then why would I write this? I don’t really know for sure. Maybe cause I need to get it off my chest. Maybe it’s therapeutic. Maybe my conscience is feeling guilty. Who knows? What I do know is that love means different things to different people and perhaps for me, it means nothing at all. Sounds crazy? Sure. But you be the judge.

     I have known two girls who are very special to me for a few years now. I have dated both but not together.  These two girls are childhood friends and have been best friends for 15 years and each considers the other like a sister. When I dated one, I was still good friends with the other. For one reason or another, and I’m still not sure why, when it didn’t work out with one, I would go to the other which wasn’t so bad… At first. But we lost touch after awhile and that was that… Or so I thought. 

 However, around nine months ago, as I was preparing to go to Israel, I received a call from a voice that sounded familiar and I knew instantly who it was. For story sake let’s call her Brenda (not her real name) and she told me what happened to her and wanted to meet for dinner at her place. Well, who am I to argue with a nice home cooked meal? Long story short, we were a couple again and I was happy. But without wanting to hurt her, I held off telling her I was leaving for awhile until I could figure out how to tell her and when I finally did, she was okay with it because at the time, we both knew I’d be back in six months time and I also knew she would be there around December.

  About a month later, we again lost touch and this time I didn’t know why but  several months later, I met the other girl who we will call Lana (also not her name) and she was in NY and she was also concerned because Brenda disappeared without a trace and no one knew where she was. But Lana and I were talking and she was moving to Israel so  we decided to try again and we did 

  Since I don’t want this to be so long, let’s just say Brenda tracked me down recently when she was in fact living out in Tel Aviv with Lana and everything was honkey dorie. Lana had her man and Brenda had hers until one day something personal happened that caused Lana to pour out her feelings for me.

  So is there a point to all of this? Yes. I got lucky and greedy. How? Well, if you are smart, never date two women at the same time especially ones who are BFF’S. It creates a complicated situation that will do more harm then good and currently, I am learning this the hard way because now they are no longer speaking to one another (hopefully that will change) and my relationship with Brenda is no longer what it used to be. I mean, we are still together and everything but I fear we are slowly drifting away. 

    Is this my fault? Yes and no. Do I regret it? Yes? Do I wish I could go back and change things? Most definitely. But the damage is done and I fear it can only get worse. What’s love got to do with it after all this? Well, simply put, the two people I love and care about the most were extremely hurt by what happened and I let them down immensely. People warned me it was going to get ugly and I chose not to listen and had I done that, they’d still be friends and thinks would be the way they should. I cry myself to sleep each and every night cursing at myself for what I did and for what happened and for being stupid for maybe losing the best thing that ever happened to me with Brenda.

   So love what is it really? I don’t think I could really answer that. I don’t think I’m qualified to. I’m not sure I know how to love anymore. How can I if I keep hurting the ones I love? I mean sure I still have Brenda but it’s not the same anymore and may never be again but I cherish everything we have together and I always will. What was right in front of me I was to blind to see and ultimately, I paid a price for it. A price that I will have to live with and regret for the rest of my life and for me, that hurts the most.